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From the moment our
children enter this world, we feel an overwhelming
animal instinct to protect them from danger. We
child-lock cabinet doors, cut window blind cords, and
buy everything from car seats to bath seats. We install
it, prevent it, close it or lock it up to ensure our
children are safe from harm. But how do you protect them
from the big, bad world just outside the front door?
Every day, the television and the
newspapers are filled with stories that strike fear in
every parent’s heart—kidnapping, molestation, child
abuse, rape. While it may be tempting to think it’s not
in our backyard, statistics suggest
otherwise.
According to the U.S.
Department of Justice, 15 percent of rape victims are
under the age of 12. The National Institute of Mental
Health estimates that one in four girls and one in six
boys are victims of sexual abuse.
It’s
not difficult to find a list of the signs indicating
child abuse or molestation. The faces of missing
children are in stores, on flyers in your mailbox and on
the television. While that information is terribly
useful and important, I don’t know about you, but I want
to stop the train long before it ever gets down that
track.
But how do you prevent your child
from becoming another statistic?
Gavin
De Becker, a national expert on predicting violent
behavior and author of “Protecting the Gift: Keeping
Children and Teenagers Safe (And Parents Sane)” (Random
House, 336 pages, $11.95), writes that parents already
know most of what they need to protect their children.
But it’s a matter of trusting your parenting instincts,
not society, to identify potential threats to your
children’s safety.
“It’s one thing to
never get a warning about some risk to our children;
it’s quite another to get a signal and then ignore it,”
says DeBecker. “To protect your child, you must believe
in yourself.”
The first thing parents
need to do, he says, is acknowledge that there are
threats out there. Sticking your head in the sand
because it isn’t pleasant will not make it go away. “Of
all the approaches you might take to enhance the safety
of your child, do you suppose that ignorance about
violence is an effective one?” he
writes.
Dispelling the
Myths:
You’ll Recognize the
Bogeyman by his Trench Coat
When
you imagine a child predator, you’re more likely to
picture a scruffy pervert in ragged clothes than a
familiar gym coach or science teacher. But the experts
say you’d better think twice. Nearly 100 percent of
sexual abuse of children is committed by heterosexual
men. Ninety percent of them already know the child,
often because we invited them into our lives as friend,
neighbor or family member.
“Strangers are
not the most common abusers,” confirms Lauren Hoffman,
director of communications for Stop Child Abuse Georgia.
“In Georgia, only like 1 percent of abusers are
strangers. Most children are abused by someone they
know.”
“A parent could offer no greater
cooperation to a predator than to spend time thinking,
‘But he seems like such a nice man,’ yet this is exactly
what many people do,” says De Becker. “It’s easier to
worry about unknown strangers than taking a hard look at
who you’ve invited in the front
door.”
Though child kidnapping cases
often get a lot of media airtime, your child’s odds of
having a heart attack is greater than his risk of being
snatched off the street, says De Becker. “Out of nearly
70 million American children, less than 100 a year are
provably kidnapped by strangers.”
Don’t Talk to
Strangers
Though
generations of us were taught this lesson, there are a
number of reasons why telling your children not to talk
to strangers is not particularly useful advice. In fact,
De Becker argues that pushing this message actually
increases children’s safety risk.
“Within
the message Never Talk to Strangers (because they may
harm you) is the implication that people who know you
will not harm you. If stranger equals danger, then
friend equals safety. But the opposite is true far more
often,” he says.
It’s also very difficult
for children to understand exactly who is a stranger.
They see you contradict this advice over and over
again.
“Say hello to the nice
lady.”
“Can you tell that gentleman how
old you are?”
“What they actually
learn is, ‘Never talk to strangers unless they are
wearing a clown suit or a uniform, or they work at the
bank, or they’re registering us to vote, or they’re
seeking signatures on a petition, or they’re handing out
tasty samples, or they’re nice,’” says De
Becker.
Instead of teaching our children
to avoid strangers, the experts suggest that we should
be instructing them how to speak to adults. “Parents
need to make sure they teach kids how to ask for help
and be assertive,” says Liz Ferguson, Services
Coordinator for Prevent Child Abuse Georgia. “Predators
are looking for a child who’s quiet, compliant,
withdrawn. An assertive child is less likely to be a
target.”
“The irony is, if lost in
public, the ability to talk to strangers is actually the
single greatest asset he could have,” says De Becker.
Lead your children through small public
interactions with people they don’t know, always within
your view, of course. From asking for directions to the
correct time, they will develop important communication
skills as well as gain experience targeting a safe
person to ask for help. This knowledge will prove
invaluable, should they ever truly become separated from
you.
Look for a
Policeman
Unfortunately,
Andy Taylor turned in his badge about two generations
ago. Very few of us still live in communities where
police officers walk the streets in search of lost
children. And even if they were there, writes De Becker,
children would be hard pressed to recognize them from
the knees down. Badges and other identifying accessories
are worn from the waist up, beyond most children’s
view.
A better solution is to tell your
children to look for a Mommy. Studies have proven that
women are much more likely to get personally involved if
a child needs assistance. Plus, your child’s odds of
choosing the wrong person for help drop dramatically
when she selects a female, because women are virtually
never child predators.
Children Can Prevent
Abuse
Instructing
your children about good and bad touch, then sending
them forth into the world isn’t enough. Parents are
their children’s defense system, says De Becker.
“Childhood is only safe when we make it
so,” he says. “I’ve observed people in public leave a
small child farther away than they’d ever leave a purse
or briefcase. That assumes that the child can protect
himself, but that’s not true.”
The
responsibility falls squarely on our shoulders to be
vigilant in controlling the people who have access to
our children. From asking about employee background
checks at our childcare centers and fingerprinting
little league coaches to meeting your child’s playmates
and their families before allowing an overnight
sleepover, it’s your job to ask questions. Don’t send
your children into a lion’s den by assuming that
everyone’s idea of a safe environment for children is
the same as yours.
Arming Yourself
and Your Children
Teach Children Their
Bodies Belong to Them
This
is actually a lesson for the entire family. When we
force our children to kiss grandma when they don’t want
to or hug unfamiliar relatives at family gatherings, the
message we’re sending is that they are not free to
choose what they do with their own bodies, and that they
cannot say no to adults. Even when they’re uncomfortable
with the request.
“Just tell Grandma,
‘Let Timmy come on his own terms,’” says Sally Thigpen,
statewide coordinator for Prevent Child Abuse Georgia.
“Children should learn to have respect for their own
bodies.”
Part of body ownership is
familiarity. Experts recommend teaching your children
the correct, medical names for their body parts. Even
though you may not have heard the words outside high
school health class and the thought of your 3-year-old
saying penis makes you squirm.
“Even the
least creative people seem to flourish when it comes to
finding ways to prevent their young son or daughter from
saying vagina,” says De Becker.
“As
adults, grown-ups, we’ve been raised to be very hidden
about our sexuality,” says Thigpen. “It’s an
embarrassment, so it tends to be secretive. But it gives
kids comfort if they can say words comfortably and
they’re not being bad or naughty. It creates an
environment to talk safely.”
“My own
wife’s not comfortable saying the medical names,” says
Dr. Eric Lewkoweiz, an assistant professor and family
psychiatrist at the Medical College of Georgia. “It is
strange, though. Why would you teach them, ‘this is your
elbow, this is your arm,’ and then not teach them the
correct name for those parts?”
“You’re
creating an environment that’s open and not secretive,”
says Ferguson. “Secrets are a big part of sexual
abuse.”
It’s vitally important that
should your child need to tell someone about abuse, he
has the vocabulary to communicate clearly. It’s also
important that his baby words not lead people to jump to
incorrect conclusions.
Case in point:
several years ago a 4-year-old named Carly showed up at
her preschool complaining of a pain. “My noo-noo hurts,”
she told her teacher. “My daddy hurt my noo-noo.”
Her teacher called in the director, who
in turn called social services and the police. Upon
further questioning, however, it turned out that Carly’s
noo-noo (elbow) injury occurred when her daddy lost his
grip while teaching her to ride a
bicycle.
Listen and Ask
Questions
Communicating
with your children is more than just asking about their
day at school. It also includes watching and questioning
unusual behavior.
It’s Sunday morning;
you’re in a rush to get the family out the door to
church. Your son refuses to get out of bed and get
dressed. What do you do?
“When your child
says ‘I don’t want to go to Uncle Bob’s or Sunday
school,’ the knee-jerk response is to say, ‘Get up and
get moving,’” says Thigpen. “But you need to stop and
ask why.”
Likewise, if you see something
that makes you uncomfortable, question it. “I noticed
you forced your nephew to wrestle when he didn’t want
to,’” offers Thigpen, as an example. “‘Why did you do
that?’ Ask the hard questions. Understand that kids
can’t protect themselves.”
Find Teachable
Moments
Creating
an open forum and an ongoing conversation throughout
your child’s life is the most effective way to
communicate on any tough subject. A few furtive minutes
where you struggle to deliver a cryptic speech then
never readdress the subject communicates volumes.
“You’ve got to be comfortable with the
material,” says Lewkowiez.
Many children
don’t tell their parents when abuse happens because they
are afraid their parents aren’t strong enough to handle
the information. They don’t want to upset them. By
communicating openly and calmly about tough subjects,
you’re demonstrating control. Your children will be more
comfortable asking questions and bringing up
uncomfortable topics.
“Let their
questions guide what you teach,” says Lewkowiez. “When
your child tells you, ‘So and so touched someone at
school,’ at that point, it can start a conversation.
‘Those are private areas. Don’t touch anyone’s private
areas, and don’t allow anyone to touch yours.’ But
remember, you’re going to have to continue to reinforce
whatever message and update it as the child gets
older.”
“What we’re telling you is not an
easy thing,” says Ferguson. “Take advantage of teachable
moments. Not that you have to sit down every three
months, but talk about a friend, or something on TV. The
world is an arena for discussion.”
Trust Your Instinct, No
Apologies
It can
be difficult to make an unpopular decision. To tell your
child he can’t visit someone’s house because you
question its safety or to ask for a background or
reference check on a popular babysitter or coach before
leaving your child in his care may raise a few eyebrows.
But keep in mind, someone who has your child’s best
interests at heart will appreciate your concern.
“Can we really look foolish for doing
our best to protect our children? In this context, it
would seem more embarrassing to keep quiet,” says Dr.
Becker.
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